February12012

High Maintenance

To whom this may concern,

My favorite thing to describe myself self with is ‘drowning out with,’ simply because it fits me perfectly. Like for instance if I were describe my past two weeks I would say. On Friday I drowned myself away from the world and let everything around me fall around me an my girl. Nothing but the world was of any importance. Imagine this. 

Imagine seeing someone you have just wanted to see for so long. Feels like months. Each day is a year and week is like a constant feeling of wanting something you can’t have. You just have to deal with it. You have to see the same faces and put on the same face. But hen yo go home and you think about it. You talk o it and you an’t get it ff your mind like you were just told you have cancer. Some times you don’t even remeber why you want it so bad and other times you want it more then anything because you feel like you can’t lie with out it. It is like the same thing Bruno Mars keeps telling us The week is always a constant struggle. It ws always the same thing. You always picture the things you don’t want to picture and you wonder the day that the person will just leave you. Or when your next significant source of pain will come from. That same shameful thought of how it will end because you are a teenager. It sucks knowing nothing lasts and you have to just deal with it. some times you can picture them with other guys better then you can picture them with you just because you don’t want it to happen so ba. So bad that it is the only thing you can think of. And one day you know you will look back and realize they are not with you. some other guy is in your glory. And you will be with someone else taking their glory And they just have to deal with it the same way you do because nothing lasts. Nothing last right now especially because you are a teenager. In your teen years you can grow so attached and yet that doesn’t mean a god damn thing. It just means you are here on earth and that is it. You manage to ant to hold them in your arms so bad it is like it hurts a little bit. And you can’t do a single thing. You just have to endure in it while everyone watches. You tell the same story over and over again like reading a book but yet no one understands the moral of the stories. It is just easier to say there is no problem to explain everything. You can’t explain emotions in my opinion. They are just there and you know which ones you like and the ones you don’t. You have to just have to deal with it. 

I drown myself out during the week with depression songs. Depressing things. Things that make me feel more like a human being and no matter how many times I end up telling someone I am not okay it never gets fixed. The worst feeling of them all is knowing that you don’t know when it will be fixed. The worst feeling is thinking that it could never end. You can imagine your life just as depressing as this same single day. And to top it all of it isn’t even about one single thing. You can’t just forget. You have to live it. All of it. Everything because that is what the problem is. It is everything. Everything is the problem. No one can fix everything. Except that one person because that one person is the whole solution to you. Just even one hug can fix the world for you.

Some times you really expect some thing and you get the opposite. Well have you noticed that you usually get what you deserve and you want what you don’t? I always ask questions I know I am going to hate the answer to. I know I will hate hate hate them yet I still ask them because I know the truth is always going to be better then some lie. Lies are the worst. The worst pain you get from the question is easily a lie then the truth. The truth hurts. Lies hurt even more because you know the person is intentionally telling you, not the truth. What gets me down is that I expect and answer because logically there is more reason to believe it. I am not a man of faith what so ever. I have never been able to just put my eggs in one basket and hope for the best unless I had to or it was out of my control. It just seems like no matter what you tell people they are never going to listen ever. The message seems to go over their head and then the end comes. The end is what we all really want right? Maybe I am crazy. I deal with the truth more then I deal with this faith. I don’t want to just believe. I want facts. I want evidence. I want the cold truth in my face. Why take a chance when you can have what you want. Why believe in God when you know he does not exist? Why? Why take that chance and waste your life with that when you can do things more productive. All these songs are about living your life and how it is too short. And then you have this God telling you you need to praise him to be happy after. I am going to be happy with my face in the dirt six feet under when I can’t feel a thing. I know when I die it is going to be in some retarded way. I feel like my life is just gonna be a waste of every bodies time and when I die no one is really going to care. Everyone is going to realize I am dead the very same week and then get on with their lives. Move so quickly.

I honestly have this feeling that I am not going to make it college. College seems too good to be true. I mean when I look at it I can’t get enough of the thought I will be away from everyone here. Everybody here is a waste of time. People tell me I impact their life. I mean so much to them. Everything would be different. I don’t even talk to these people. I don’t feel the same way about them. I would  rather just not even get close to anyone anymore what so ever. I am having enough of this. I would love to say that recently I was doing well and I was recovering and beginning to trust people more. That would be a nice feeling. I would feel safe. But instead I manage to feel that it is a waste. My friend ships are a waste. There are little to no people who can get this. Who actually tell me the truth because they know that is what it is worth living for. I manage to set myself up for this though. I manage to set myself up with some wrong people who can’t even simply  tell me what I want. And I guess it is my fault for playing dumb. For being what people want me to be. People tell me to stop arguing. And now that I don’t do that as much I never get answers. I never get what I need. I just play dumb and act like there lies are actually the  truth when I know they arn’t truth.

I am honestly pissed. I am pissed at everything and everyone because no one can give me a straight answer. You may be thinking, oh well what you want isn’t always right. Maybe it isn’t what I want, it’s what I need. I need truth. I know it’s not truth because it doesn’t fit. It doesn’t fit in this little game called life. The pieces are you and I and the reward is nothing. Nothing at all. We just play to play. And I wonder to myself why do I care so much about something that doesn’t even have a reward. I am going to take the church’s answer here and say ” I don’t even know why,” but I do it anyways. It might be that everyone tells you while you play you are supposed  to make the best of it. I guess that is the answer. How do you make the best of everything when it just falls around you. How do you not get mad when you pull the jenga block of life and it just explodes on you. How do you have fun? It starts with the people. And if the pieces are not straight then you can’t stack them. If you can’t stack them you can’t play. I can’t stack anything. I am that odd piece out. Oh I have the life made out for me. Yeah sure I do. I don’t have too many friends who would  take a hit for me in a fight. Oh suddenly because I am in the equation the game has changed. 

Yeah I am such a terrible guy. Yeah I get that. That’s all I ever hear and you know what? I hear that so much I can’t even really believe it when people tell me other wise. I will never believe it. I just say thank you instead or I just turn it on them and make the conversation about them. You know what this does to me? It makes me a high maintenance person. The less you talk to me the less I talk to you. Some people I just don’t want to talk to. Most people actually. But now if people even try I just overload them with so much crap they just say “Oh, I am sorry,” like what are you sorry about. You didn’t do anything. People want someone to listen. What is the point of listening if they can’t even give you a sentence with out sorry. Yeah I know if I heard what I had to say I would feel sorry for me too but you know why I am a wreck? It’s because I have no idea what to do. I don’t know where to go and you know what response I get every. Single. Time. I ask? Oh I am sorry. I asked you what to do. Not what you felt. You know why my best friend is my best friend? It’s because he cares. It is because even when he doesn’t know the answer he gives me one anyways. One answer is better then none. And all of you other dumb people are too stupid to even think that? That is so simple. 1 is obviously better then none when to comes to having more. It doesn’t take a professor to get that. Yet no one gets that. 

I have no words of wisdom for any of you. Question for myself here. Am I a giver or a taker. Well I think to think the answer to that is synthetic. It is like a drug that is supposed to be like another drug. I can give you one answer but it will just apply to the other side. It isn’t ever just one solid answer because it can go so many different ways. Let’s break it down. If you are someone close to me: I am a taker. I am high maintenance. But it is because of you people I am like this. I am terrible. I am a waste of time. I take and I don’t give. You think I give. You think that’s it. I take everything and leave  you with nothing. You don’t realize it though. I am the definition of human in the sense that I guess I will do what it takes to succeed in my eyes. If I am pissed you get to have it taken out on you. But you know what sucks for you? I do it by using the truth. I do it by pointing out what you do wrong. That’s lovely right? You get to have your flaws pointed out to your face. And you know why I do it? It’s because I know you won’t ever fight back. I can do what I want with everyone because everyone. is. a. waste of time. No one wants to give anything, especially the truth. I couldn’t hear the words “I love you” and believe it anymore because everyone took that from me. That is probably the most powerful line in the word and yet I can’t ever hear it because I won’t let myself. And I guess that is where I come in with the giving part. What do I give? I give you what you don’t want. I give you what you need to hear. Everyone wants to hear that everything is fine and everything is going so well. Everyone wants to hear how they look so good. Everyone wants the world to be happy. But the world isn’t happy. It is such a waste. We made this terrible. Here I am a teenager complaining about the world but everything is messed up now and I get to deal with it. Everyone else turns a blind eye. I give people the, No not everything is not okay. And it never gets fixed. You think I would just understand that by now. I would understand that the world is not going to fix my feelings. Nothing will. Not anyone not anything. The problem can’t be the answer in this case. 

You know I have always thought people should just tell me what I want, no harm not foul. But I would rather just not be happy and hear the worst of it. No one gets that. Everyone wants me to take a leap of faith and just trust. Sometimes that is not enough. That is where I take because like everyone else I am a taker. I give little and take all. 

I am done with this.

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